Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Al Fatihah

Alfatihah . BIL - Hazli, my sister's husband, lost his bestfriend yesterday morning. He was diagnosed leukemia on Saturday and passed away on Tueday morning in the UK.

F would be 37 this year, was a jovial person Like BIL, was sent to UK as BTU- British Top University student, the cream of the creme, who did A levels in the UK. He was sent by one of the international petroleum company to work in UK last year. BIL planned to go to UK on Thursday but tuhan lebih sayangkan dia.

I was shocked as he was very healthy. According to sis I, he had fever for a week but didn't think it was serious.

BIL Hazli was really close to him, so close that they live in the same housing area and would go for coffee almost every night together. When BIL had to go to Madinah for a year, he would occasionally help my sister. Semoga beliau di tempatkan bersama orang yang soleh.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Permata Negara


Spent the whole day at work. Adik and kakak followed and gave them a tour of the lab. Showed the specimens- uterus, colon etc. Had to finish a few things, went for late lunch- well early dinner around 5.30pm. The kids were hungry then. Kesian..


Made nasi lemak- well cooked the sambal part of nasi lemak. Rushed to RTM- Mak B hosted programme call Setiap Anak Permata Negara. Qisty's video was chosen as the most creative video.
Interesting, I've never been to taping of programme. Live somemore!! Wow!! Tabik Spring to Mak B. I'd probably freeze up. She's a pro. Nadia was equally a pro. She was the demo baby and even tho she was tired and sleepy, she didn't make a fuss. My kids would scream their head off if they couldn't get their nap time. The programme went

smoothly, given there were so many kids around.

After the programme we went to BIL Epi and Shila's house. Around 5 we head to Bagan Lalang, with Dad in Law in tow.
Told kakak, she couldn't go to Australia gold coast, ( she and adik were supposed to go with Dad in June- Ticket and accomodation paid for)- but to Sepang Gold coast she can go anytime.

Went to pat some horses and the kids played in the mud(?) , sludge? Anyway Qisty cried a few times- she was afraid of the jelly fish and the feel of sludge underneath her feet. After maghrib- we had steamed garoupa, tom yam styled smooth cockle like thingy- kepah, grilled stingray,sambal udang- oh so delicious!!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Tagged- A belated post

Actually I've done this half way nearly a month ago. I thot I'd continue.

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts out by telling 6 weird things about themselves on their own blog, as well as state the rules clearly. At the end, you will need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list out their names. After you do that, leave them a comment on their blogs letting them know you tagged them.

Weird things about myself:

1. I love Crime stories/ detective stories and lately anything victorian. - When I was small I wanted to be a detective- probably because I was so into Enid Blyton's Secret Seven and Famous Five- and later on Agathe Christie!! Victorian- well- it started with Jack the Ripper -then Anne Perry's books, later-Robin Paige.

2. I have this morbid fascination on how dogs decompose- yuck you'd say.. But I'd only watch it from afar. I would not come near. There are so many dogs carcass lying around on highways from Putrajaya - dengkil- I'd watch how it looks normal on day one, then dah two a bit bloated then...

3.I love buying books on crafts.. well not so weird but the weird thing is I rarely try them.

4. I love catalogues. I can flip and go through them for ages- drooling but rarely buy anything. In the UK I was in catalogue heaven- Apekebendenya catalogues Freemans, Grattan - I love subscribing to them- thick ones- even Argos' / Ikea's facinate me.

5. When I was pregnant with adik, that's no 2, I hated curries- one look at mamak's curry I felt like vomiting.- Weird thing is- it's Adik's favourite dish. She loves it so much we call her currymina.

6. I went back to Malaysia for hoildays a few weeks and when I came back, my housemates put up various surah on their doors. Nobody told me what happened by they were anxious to move out of the Camberwell, Old Kent Road house.

Ok now I'll tag my little girl Camarina, Sophia, Nadine, Sya, Lana . Sorry 5 Run out of people to tag.. Izan you're tagged too if you have not been tagged yet.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


I used to tolerate rudeness. My parents taught me well, never be rude and respect your elders. I constantly remind my children not to be rude, to think before opening their mouth and gauge whether what you are about to say will hurt anyone around you. Not difficult - just put yourself in that person's shoes. And membentuk buluh biarlah dari rebung.

But how do you react to rude people? Well sometimes gear slow sikit - my initial reaction is of course - like what? Am I hearing the right thing? Especially it coming from people older from you. Do they, being older have the right to be rude?

I have this whole bunch of cousins, who will blurt out things without thinking. As they all come from the same parents, I would assume that they are ' kurang di ajar' - well they do have a large family. I always cringe when visiting them during hari raya. Masuk rumah- salam all around, eat a biscuit or two- then off. A recent encounter with them reminded me why we spend so little time with them.

Instances - 1. You look fat now-

Hello- have they seen the mirror lately- she who looks like a double barrel of tong drum dare to criticise -

2. The patient in the next bed is dying- he looks pale- ( Loudly).
.Hello.... Anybody up there? Have some sensivitylah kan...

3. Eh bila nak kahwin ni.. dah berumur dah..Kawan2 semua dah kahwin awak bila lagi..

I could think of an equally rude reply ye.. Kawan- kawan saya dah kahwin- kawan2 makcik ada lagi?- but I was well brought up so of course I wouldn't.

Two nights ago, I had a vivid dream of my rude cousins. In that dream I thrashed what I wanted to say to their face. Stupid is one of them.. Please don't say anything further as what what you say seemed to indicate that hollowness in your head - is another.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Adik in her Jasmine/Genie dress

Kakak as Rapunzel Qisty with her mermaid dress
More photos at Izreen, Izan sagichick , Dadoffour's blogs

Sophia's bday

Sophia's b'day was on Saturday 17 March. DH had to work and I didn't want to drive all the way to Ampang. Actually I don't mind driving there, it's the driving back from Ampang at night that I hate. Dahlah rabun malam. I told DH I'd take the ERL to Bandar Tasik Selatan. At first he wants me to leave my car at the station as he had to leave around 7.30 and was he was skeptical if Qisty could wake up early. I reminded him - when we had to leave for Hongkong early, Qisty did wake up early.

So off we went. Qisty and me and pushchair plus a bag full of Qisty's things- milk, diapers, etc and another with costumes. From the ERL to Tasik Selatan, they have ramps and elevators - then we had to change to star LRT...,

I don't know why we have to climb up staircase and down again. Qisty took her bag which was quite heavy for her while I had to juggle between the push chair and another bag. Qisty insisted that I hold her hand- she is three plus after all - while going down the stairs. Now- of course everybody had to gawk at us. I remember whenever I go back to Malaysia for holidays. I always have a big bag and a hand luggage with me. Maneuvering them up and down the underground is next to impossible but there was always a kind soul who would volunteer to help. Here occasionally there are but rarely.

Next on the train. Qisty had to stand. I don't mind standing infact I prefer to stand than sitting down, but nobody offer poor qisty a seat. Buat tak nampak adalah. I remember once we took a train to Bukit Jalil from Nilai. Kakak had to stand and she was not well. After a while she couldn't stand anymore.

I told her.. When you grow up, please be curteous and offer old men/ women, children and pregnant women seats. The women around us started to laugh aloud and hey presto .. two very macho looking men gave up their seats for us. I declined, as I had no problem with standing. But they insisted. Hah!! people just have to be reminded every time.

Ok back to the Saturday in question... Mum had trouble crossing the double line so she was late. Should have stopped at Chempaka instead. Then went to Vitacare and stationery store- thot we'd make a card for Sophia.

Sampai rumah, asked the girls to get ready for the party. put on adik's Arabian princess costume. Adik and kakak were at my mum's for a week- so tak boleh nak fit betul2- luckily kakak's dress was ready made. She only had to wear Rapunzel hair made from knitting yarn and a tiara. Adik's tube was loose- it was tight on Qisty. So I had to use ribbons and stapled the top. Hehehe.. Qisty's mermaid dress was ok tho, I stapled too just in case.

Yikes can't post photos.

I went as the Wicked Stepmother Queen of Snow White with purple robe high colar and fake nails, Afiq as Harry Potter , Nana and Azri went as cowgirl/boy.

Reached there forty five minutes later- Sophia looked lovely in her Genevieve of the 12 dancing princess costume- Nadine was Cheetah girl, Sara- Pirate with a hook siap..and Daya was red riding hood. Nadia the cute fairy was there with princess mummy. Epi was Zoro and Shila was dressed as a clown. Saiful, Shila's bro, and family were there. Yani and kids were there- haq came as a clown later.

The party was fun, the kids enjoyed it. The best dressed girl went to Adik, for boy- Afiq, for daddy - haq and for mummy- yours truly.

Then we went to Epi and Shila's house. Izan and Lana came later. They wanted me to burst a baloon using nails but I couldn't do it so sis Ida took my hands and poked the baloon. One of my talons went flying. Later Lana glued it on and painted them all with different colours. Had to pull them off before Zohor prayers.

Fun party!!


Spent the day watching CSI. I rarely watch TV. I used to only watch CSI and Desperate housewives but now I have Grey's anatomy added to the list.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Tahlil, doa selamat

Last Saturday we had a small tahlil for Dad. Thot I'd make trifle but when DH's ready, I was not and when I was ready he was nowhere to be found. Earlier thot we'd go to Carrefour. In the end we went to An nur and Aunty Helen's. Couldn't find Lady's choice jelly, so had to settle for Japanese Jelly and fruits. No trifle.

The tahlil, went well. Cousin kak yah made kebab, mee hoon goreng, salad, ordered capati. Delicious.


Spent the whole day glued to CSI. Went to Nagoya to buy materials for Sphia's coming birthday costume party. Couldn't resist buying fabric for myself, altho I still have lots of fabrics at home. Found Naqia shampoo, a natural shampoo with zafran. The shampoo passed my stringent test- no SLS or paraben, tea or dea, formalin.


Went to work. Not feeling well, Lethargic, sore throat and headache. After dinner worked on Qisty's costume. Nearly finished...just have to stick on some decoration on the top part of the dress.


Qisty's fever high. Finished medicine so had to go to the clinic. I was given Medical leave. BP quite high, mild fever...mmmm never have this problem , selalu low, even when pregnant. Dr said no sugar or salt. I don't take sugar, substituting it with stevia. But salt, perhaps, it is time to cut it.

Spent the day sleeping. Dh said he'd come back around 4, tapi at 5 still nowhere to be seen. While waiting, sewed adik's costume. Finished the costume but still no sign of him.

When to Mak z's house for doa Selamat, for uncle Y's surgery. Food delicious... Chicken korma, bread baked by Mak Z and stew.. May your surgery's a success Uncle Y.

Friday, March 09, 2007

New blogs and emails

Spent the night after dinner with kakak and adik. Kakak answered her emails to Nadine and Sara. I created an email and blog for adik. Adik loves to write, she was so excited with her blog. But by the time we came to posting she was tired and sleepy, as it was almost 12.
Her blog address

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A week

Today mark a week Abah pulang ke rahmatullah . Al Fatihah- Semoga Abah di sisi orang yang beriman. This is the first time I feel such heart wrenching loss. Abah was strict but kind, generous and honest. He was very healthy, played golf almost everyday, ate yoghurt , cereal, oats or grilled fish for breakfast.

All of us, his four kids felt so deeply, my sis Ida and bro Amy fell ill. I can't sleep for days and afterwards could barely open my eyes. Adik and my niece Tisya had fever as well. All the grand kids cried when DH made a slide of photographs taken at Bukit Cherakah. Mom is strong, but when in her room alone.. His nephews and nieces broke down several times. His friend who plays golf with him came everyday and one night came around 1 in the morning to read yassin beside him.

Thank you Abah's friends from Felda, Boustead and Fountainview for visiting. Uncle Jayos, thank you for organising Sembahyang Hajat at Dewan Perdana Felda and also the van to Linggi. Thank you D' Saji for sponsoring the food at Dewan Perdana. Thank you Epi, Mr Abu Salem of Tawakkal, Mr Sabri, Mr Mohsin, Mr Safari, Mr Ng of GH for doing the best that they can. Thank you Uncle Col Bakar for being there.

Here's a good article on grief from

It is good to know that denial is common.

What is grief and how does it differ from depression?
The concept of grief describes the emotions and sensations accompanying the loss of someone or something dear. The word itself was originally derived from the Old French grève, meaning a heavy burden. In English “grief” connotes an experience of deep sorrow, one that touches every aspect of existence. . Complex physiological and psychological responses may be extremely painful but can be overcome if faced and experienced

You may experience any of the following when you grieve:

numbness, the sense that none of this is real—you’re just imagining it
expecting your deceased loved one to come back and be able to resume life as usual
experiencing your loved one communicating with you after death
difficulty paying attention or remembering things as well as you did before your loss
a sense of anger, injustice, vexation or helplessness about your situation
feelings of incredible emptiness, loneliness, self-accusation or despair
guilt—if only you had done more, been nicer, not left home, etc.

The following are typical physical symptoms of grief:
difficulty going to sleep, or waking in the middle of the night
weight loss or gain; over- or under-eating
low energy or fatigue
headaches, chest pain or racing heart
upset stomach or digestive problems
hair loss

When you understand that grieving people have similar thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, you can be assured that what you are going through is completely normal. For example, mood swings (you feel fine one minute and then all of sudden you burst out crying) need not take you by surprise. What’s more, it is entirely possible to have a decrease in symptoms for quite a while and then suddenly experience a ‘relapse’ when something reminds you of your loved one—or for no explainable reason at all.

What makes depression different from grief is the absence of positive feelings – a moment of awe at glimpsing a baby or a particularly beautiful sunrise or sunset, or hearing an inspiring peace of music. About 2 in 10 people develop a depressive disorder in the year following the death of a loved one, with symptoms beginning roughly in the third month. This is different from the deep sorrow which naturally results from losing someone you love. Some refer to that sadness as ‘depression’ when technically it’s not.

The major warning sign for clinical depression

The major warning sign for clinical depression is when you don’t experience even rare moments of pleasure, for extended periods of time. Symptoms such as these may interfere with your life:
life seems meaningless and you can find nothing pleasing or positive

you are drowning in despair with no relief: no laughter, no smiles … no sense of a future
you have trouble sleeping, or you sleep most of the day
you have a drastic weight loss or gain
you are unable to function in everyday life
you have persistent thoughts of ending your life.

Phases of Grief
Phase 1
Upon hearing bad news, the most common reaction is a feeling of numbness or shock. We may experience disbelief: "That is not possible … there must be some mistake … you must have the wrong person, the wrong medical records … that can't be true or happen to me!" The mind-body has incredible defense mechanisms. If we pretend that something isn’t true, then somehow the blow is softened. At any moment, our loved one could reappear, or so we imagine. Time seems to briefly suspend itself, at least until the cruel reality of the truth sets in.
Phase 2
We may get angry at the messenger who delivers the news, the doctor, the person who caused us this pain , at anyone we can hold responsible for our grief. This reaction is perfectly understandable. There is a need to know why this happened and whether the loss could have been prevented. “Who is at fault?” we question. Somehow pointing the finger allows us to divert the pain from the core of our being where it rises up and threatens to overwhelm us. Others may turn their anger inwards and blame themselves for what happened.
Phase 3
We may try to negotiate the situation, either with another person involved, or with God: "Please give me one more chance and I promise things will be better … I will change … If you will reverse this, then I will ___ in return." This is kind of magical thinking where we believe our actions will meet with the desired outcome. Some people attempt to strike a deal with their Higher Power: to stop smoking, to find more time to spend with family, to offer an apology that’s long overdue. At some point, though, we face our limitations in holding up our end of the deal. No matter what we say or do, the bitter truth is that things will not go back to the way they were before. And that’s when the next phase hits.
Phase 4
When we realize the loss is real and unchanging, we may sink into a deep sorrow. Though Dr. Kübler-Ross dubbed this phase ‘depression,’ it is more accurate to describe it as more a combination of loss and loneliness and perhaps hopelessness. We may feel remorse or regret, rehearsing over and over what we could have done differently. Or perhaps we feel guilty that we are still able to enjoy life while our loved one no longer can. This intense experience of sadness leaves us with sparse energy for housework or outside activities. It is common to find ourselves sobbing over the smallest little thing or crying for days on end. Whether or not we have a terminal illness, we may feel our life is over. Some may consider or attempt ending their lives.
Phase 5
Time, in and of itself, will not heal our wounds. We may miss being able to share our life with that person, no matter how long it’s been since they passed away. We don’t have to forget how much our loved one means to us in order to move on. If we can come to terms with the reality of the situation, recognize it as a fact of our lives, and gradually let go of the struggle against the tide of emotions that we experience, we can move beyond our suffering. Even with our new circumstances, we can find peace within ourselves.